The Vampire Housewife
Ever been almost-beheaded by a snow-plow? Turned into an undead by a homeless vampire? Cheated and betrayed by your lying sack of shit husband? Welcome to my life… or, more correctly, my crazy after-life.
To everyone behind the gates of our wealthy Charming, Mississippi community, my husband and I were the Joneses everyone tries to keep up with. A beautiful house, the perfect gated community, two gorgeous kids, and a supposedly flawless marriage.
Until I came home and caught him rolling around in our bed, hip-deep in my best friend.
Which led to the aforementioned snow plow incident. I woke up with a fear of the sun and a propensity for drinking blood. Or in laymen’s terms, a vampire.
I thought vampires were supposed to be hot and irresistable. But my Maker smells like he just stepped out of the sewer and has the appeal of a turd in a punch bowl.
But you know how life is as one of the Joneses…gotta keep up. Keep up appearances, that is.
I’ve swapped my Triple, Venti, Sugar-Free, Non-Fat Caramel Macchiato for a stainless steel rambler that keeps my O-Negative at the perfect room temperature. I can still manage the carpool lane, with the right sunglasses to hide my crazy eyes. But between daytime soccer games, a missing college student who might have been a vampire kill, trying not to drain my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and keeping my neighbors in the dark, I’m shaking in my Jimmy Choos. I’m not sure I can do this.
My name is Rachel Jones, and I’m a vampire housewife.
I went from being on top of the world to the lowest point of my life.
My husband’s affair.
Going head to head with my arch nemesis, Veronica.
Not to mention, I have a feeling someone is trying to take me out.
And I don’t mean on a date.
Which will be pretty hard to do since I’m already undead.
Trying to keep my suburban life from crumbling, while making sure I don’t weaken under the sunlight is going to take a whole lot of energy and pints of O negative blood.
I’m Rachel Jones, and I’m the Vampire Housewife.
I thought I was sitting pretty until my alimony check was late. That will teach me to depend on a man! Between my guilt of imposing financial ruin on my ex (which was totally justified!) and my desire to be able to take care of my children, I have now joined forces with a private investigator. The upside: It pays a hell of a lot. Plus it’s night shift!
The downside: I now see the ugly side of our small town of Charming, Mississippi.
We all wear masks and we all have secrets. And now I’m about to discover my Maker Khalan’s biggest one.
It’s enough to make a vampire cry. That is, if I had time for the nervous breakdown I so rightly deserve.
In the meantime I will rise to the occasion, drink my blood and be the best damn vampire/ soccer mom/ photographer I can be.
I am Rachel Jones. And I’m the vampire housewife.
The perfect combination for a disaster…
I never imagined learning to live as a vampire would be so hard. Of course, I never dreamed I’d be a vampire in the first place, so I figure I deserve a little credit for handling it so well. What I didn’t expect was to discover something that is even harder than being a vampire—dating again after divorce!
I’ve heard all the rules—Vampires and Werewolves are not supposed to get along. That’s fine and dandy until Werewolf Jack comes along. I can’t help the way my body reacts to him. Unfortunately, Khalan, my Maker, isn’t as impressed with Jack as I am.
When I agreed to sign up for a dating event to try to find my soul mate, I’m afraid I got more than I bargained for: danger, dating and divorce. The perfect combination for a disaster.
Of course life can’t go calmly. After all, I am Rachel Jones, Vampire housewife extraordinaire, and this is my story!